Les plaisirs solitaires

a one minute blog, just came out as is, publishing it as raw as it came to me. No English, sorry.

Les plaisirs solitaires

Solitaire est un mot. Un mot pas tout seul, non loin s'en faut.

Solitaire c'est avant tout le cri silencieux. Je crois qu'on ne comprend la solitude que très tard, trop tard, et c'est quand même vachement dommage. On se rend compte qu'on es seul que quand on a trouve ceux qui nous entourent, ceux qui arrivent trop tard. Le jury à rendu son verdict, audieu, difficile, crument réaliste: sol tu es, ré tu sera, do au mur verras tu ce que tu as toujours re-cherche, la famille que tu as découvert trop tard. La se trouve la si difficile frontière entre le réel et le dommage.

Les plaisirs solitaires sont à l'homme ce que dieu est au croyant, un abandon illusoire, parfois réprobateur mais jamais substantiel. Personne ne peut croire en l'absolution après l'absorption de ce corps ingrat et menteur.

Les parisis artificiels, au final, ce ne sont même pas les échappatoires tant décriés par nos illustres écrivains désuets, anciens ou / et goncourt. Non monsieur, laissez moi vous dire pourquoi ces paradis artificiels sont parfois la seule réalité acceptable.

Vous avez ruine notre réalité. Le monde est un marasme flou, étouffant, aveugle aux besoins de sentiments de l'humain. Votre prose à tué l'homme, j'ai lu votre prose, j'y ai cru et je n'y vois plus que vous.

Singing in the rain

I’ve notified y’all that this blog is turning into something very personal. The majority of you are still reading this through apathy and lack of will to read my codebetter.com blog, and I understand the feeling. If you don’t unsubscribe now, welcome to the rabbit hole, for that’s where I am and where I shall lead you. You’re probably going to learn way too much about the intricate inanity my brain is full of. Spare yourself and spare me, don’t read this unless you want to be in Seb’s head.

If you’re still here, I would ask you for one thing, and one thing only: do realize that I’m not sharing these thoughts with you or anyone else. I share for I need to expel those thoughts in a written, however raw, medium. I’m writing this for me, not for you.

Singing in the rain… An amazing program for sure, but more importantly the title of the latest musical at the Palace Theater around the corner. It’s funny how the world evolves silently around you.

It’s not that one doesn’t care or doesn’t take notice. No, the intent is not where the cookie crumbles. There is one thing that makes one feels more human, more comfortable, and more in-tune with the greater scheme of things. Or maybe we like to kid ourselves in the delirious delicious illusion that we do have that one thing. It is not control, for this would be very naive . The real Houdini in this world is the illusion that you *know* what’s going on.

You see, I live next to the Palace Theater. Last year, I bought some tickets to go and see Priscilla Queen of the Desert with my mom. Life has a funny way to get back at you: she introduced me to that movie when I was only a lad, but her seat ended up being used as a very expensive cloakroom for I got the dates wrong, my passion for the film didn’t extend to the musical, and out of all things, it was raining. Ignoring the obvious may well be a human trait.

They changed the musical in that theatre and *i had no idea*, even though I’m their neighbour. I live next door. It’s only by accident, on the way back from a night I attended to celebrate someone’s departure, that I learnt about it - why we celebrate losing people is another one of those questions I never had a valid answer for.

Tonight, I ended up being there for a friend I’ve not seen for a long time. That friend was in distress, needed a shoulder. When you love someone, you ought to be their rock when they crumble. This friend, very much younger than I, is going through cancer, chemotherapy, and did it without telling me.

It hurts so bad. The pain is beyond words. I’m thirty years old, and I have had one friend dying from drugs, another dying from a brain tumour, a member of my family having near-death experiences twice and now being on constant medical care, and another member having to go through breast cancer. Another one of my friends went back to California for another cancer treatment, and while I’ve heard he’s in remission, I was never to have known about it in the first place. Thankfully, indiscretions in circle of friends sometimes include you back in something you’ve bee pushed out of. That said, we don’t talk about it, I don’t talk about it, no one talks about it. Why is it that there is no talking when my heart feels like screaming so loudly, so intensely against the injustice of this world?

That’s not even starting to discuss the impact of HIV on my life. A statistic was recently published showing that 3 out of 7 gay men in London were infected. I was only 18 when my best friend was the first to get over the hedge. Since then, it’s such a regular occurrence that I ought to be prepared for the announcement, and as sad as life is, for it is, it’s a regular occurrence.

It’s not only the raw feelings about those situations, mind you. It’s more profound, complex and dark. I couldn’t possibly imagine not being completely and uttermosly available to do whatever is in my power to help, but I feel guilt for feeling drained by it. My selfishness is as painful as the pain I share with those that are going through this. It’s not only survivor’s guilt, it’s survivor helper’s guilt. Worse, one can only resent the incompetence in one’s ability to deal with those matters. How can anyone look at oneself in a mirror in the morning and accept the sharing of the suffering of others, as well as the realization of one’s obsession with one’s petty concerns?

It’s way too young an age to be dealing with so much grief and loss. The most insulting thing I ever heard from someone was at a dinner when told I lacked empathy. I’ll tell you what empathy is: it is the cancer and the HIV and the death you share with those around you. It is the constant pain felt for all things that are not right in the world. It is the thing that makes you cry when no one looks. It is the thing that makes you detest a world that can provide so many beautiful butterflies and take them away as quickly as they came. Empathy is what makes me cry when I look at the world around me. Maybe I cry too much, but more likely I don’t cry enough, for the pain debt will never get repaid.

We’re not provided with the right equipment to deal with pain and loss. Or maybe some are, I just was never given those tools. It hurts and I hurt. I hurt for my friend, my family members, those that I lost, those that I could have lost and all those that I don’t know the pain of.

There is only one thing more painful than sharing the burden of the life we all have to carry: the pains I cannot share.

A new year

The last two years have been very tough on me. Work has been a succession of pleasurable experiences and massive conflicts. My OSS projects have been getting competition, some friendly and some down-right uncalled for. I’ve fought a couple of sour battle with Microsoft and received many hits below the belt, while others have welcome my contribution openly. I’ve separated from a 3 years relationship. I’ve had issues with my business. I’ve recreated a group of friends, lost some, recovered some.

I’ve also turned 30. Most people at my age seem to be getting married (and a lot of my geek friends have done just that), some even going as far as getting children or cats. And I still seem to live day after day without much evolution, spending most of my time fulfilling an unreasonable amount of commitments, and with what is left of my time trying to not think about those I have failed or going out with friends to try and do something else.

Over time, my relationship with people has also been strained by what some refer to as OCPD, but I won’t talk about this here too much. Let’s just say that it’s difficult to build self-worth when you continuously have to question yourself for not being the perfect business suit one would want you to be.

So it’s time for a change. This year, I’m simplifying. I’m posting this here in the hope that at the end of the year I’ll have achieved some of those goals. But really, it’s a catharsis, a way to get out what I keep in at all times. I wish I could talk about everything on here, and I can’t (as this will be indexed by google forever and follow me like the plague for the rest of my life), but it’s as good a start as any. And I’m pretty sure no one subscribes to this blog anymore, so it won’t be too much of an annoyance to people.

So here we go.

I’ve always struggled with friendship, I have been very demanding and have expected far more from people than what they were probably willing or able to give. This has lead many times to outbursts and strained relationships as I have tended to express my frustration and feeling of being unloved by rejecting people. This stops now. Those that are here are, those that are not I will let go without resentment. This is going to mean something with my use of facebook, but I’ve not decided what it’s going to be yet.

Work-wise, I have too much on my plate. My OSS activities started from a desire to build cool software, and turned years ago in constant marketing and competition rather than enjoying writing new code. The amount of projects is also straining my capacity to create new stuff I’m interested in. I’m letting go of this too. I’ll focus on the two things I want to build (mainly OpenRasta 3 and OpenWrap), and everything else I’m putting the community in charge, although it’s not excluded that the community may be called-in on OpenWrap soon too. This should relieve a lot of pressure I’ve had. Talks are also going to be reduced, less quantity and more quality.

It’s also time to reconsider my relationship to partying. I’ve done way too many parties, nights out and others that I didn’t really want to attend or wasn’t really going to enjoy. This year it will be quality over quantity. It’s a hard balance to strike however, as when you don’t see friends they tend to stop calling you, a vicious circle that can leave you very isolated. On the other hand of the spectrum, the social pressure to “just go to the pub” or “come for one” or “one more” is a very difficult one to counteract. Only way to be happy not going out is if you’re happy staying home, so I’ll be spending more time making my home a happier place to stay on my own.

Information overload is problematic when you react emotionally and radically to things. A lot of my energy has been spent defending viewpoints or debating online, mostly through twitter. So I’m reducing that too and I’ve now removed the “All friends” column from my client. I won’t read what anyone writes unless they ask me about it or mention me. I’m pulling the plug like I did with blog readers years ago.

Personality is a strange thing. Each person has their own view of what their personality is and ought to be, and for some people it doesn’t match friends and strangers’ perception. I have spent many years trying to appear softer, more proper, more socially acceptable, as I have been made to understand those were desirable features for success. It’s taken a lot of energy and made me fight and hate myself a lot, and it hasn’t even worked that well. Reading Steve Jobs’ biography has made me think a lot about interpersonal relationships at work.

I say what I think and I like things done right, and I’m not going to be apologetic about it anymore, it’s straining me. Those that work with me learn how I work and react and have always worked with / around it just fine. I’ve never gotten anyone to cry (I think). It only affects projects I work on for the better, that’s why people give me work. So this year I’ve decided to let go of the self-censorship and self-loathing. It’s who I am, and whatever the cause, fighting it will only lead me to a path full of moments I don’t want to have to live through again for no actual benefits.

Simpler, more fulfilling and focused on being happier. That’s what 2012 ought to be. What’s your new year’s resolutions?